I am back.

 Back to my long-lost blog. I have forgotten the name of my blog.

I am back as I accidentally peeked on someone else's life today.

A friend of mine or I won't say friend, but acquaintance I guess, whom I have heard of him since high school due to his outstanding outer look. But we got connected via an event from my previous company. Barely talked, just a few chats on social media. You know me with chats online, I am bad at replying. 

Just gonna write the whole story here since I reckon there won't be anyone reading this space anymore. LOL. 

Saw his IG story and seems that his GF has just passed away a month ago. He claimed that it is an accident but there is this other guy who said that it is not. She took her own life and the BF has the biggest responsibility on it since they are staying under the same roof with this girl's family staying abroad.

So, me being a stalker intrigued by stories. I did a little bit of dig on the internet. Everyone leaves a footprint digitally and I often look back at what footprint did I left and what people gonna see about me when they try to look me up on the internet. 

I found out that a month ago, there's news about a girl who committed suicide in her car with burning charcoal. Everything matched the age, where she comes from, staying with boyfriend but not the family part. So I am not quite sure is it the same news. 

But as I dug deeper, I found out that the BF claimed she has depressions and has been sad for months with her business and life. She felt tired. 

And then I saw her blog. She seems like a girl with a lot on her mind. Some writings remind me of myself when I was younger.

I guessed when you get older, you then to choose fight or flee most of the time. I have been there, depressed. It is so deep, so drown that you want to pull yourself up but you couldn't. Depression is always a topic that you only understand how it feels when you been through it. 

And it won't go away completely. You just have to manage it from time to time. Even if you are in a state where you are surrounded by your loved one, it doesn't guarantee that you won't get depressed. 

It just strikes you, like that. I still remember hating myself, drowning in sadness, and couldn't help with it. You just cry and feel sad for nothing. Lifeless, wanting to end everything but at the same time feeling guilty as f.

You ask yourself why are you being like that. Why can't you be happy as other people did? Why are you not feeling satisfied since you have most of the things people don't have. Guys, there are no answers to it and you need to stop judging when your friend or anyone tells you this one day.

Just be there. 

I am the lucky one. I met an angel. Actually, I met angels. A lot of lovely people. But this particular angle is so good at accompanying and listening to all nonsense that I have. Whenever I told this angel I am having nonsense in my head again, this angel told me to stop labeling them as nonsense and this angle treats every sadness of mine seriously. 

I wanted to be pulled out from the black hole and I did. 

I am glad. 

It took me time. And I believe it is hard for everyone who is in there. Won't have much talk about how to treat someone who has depression or what is depression.

I guess the most important thing is to have good perspectives and mindset. 

Dear you, shake off all the shits and believe in YOU. Love YOU, yourself. 

Shake it off. 

嘿 守护天使，很高兴看见你幸福快乐。

从很久以前就知道你的存在，越长大才发现缘分不可思议。

祝，永远快乐。

The SIA girl

1 November 2017.


It's been half a year since I have joined the SIA airline. I have not been telling the world what exactly I been doing since my last resignation. Didn't know there are quite a number of people that really care what's going on of my life or they are just curious. LOL.


Well, I decided to quite Nom Nom Media, a company that tap on influencers' platform to advertise for brand owner like Mc Donald, Clinique, Loreal and so on. It's a young and vibrant company where you can feel and taste the freedom of working with people same age with you. It's a really good experience though. However, I am really not good at covering stuff with honey. When the product or service does not match with the price people pay, I stop persuading and this is big NO NO for a sale person that have target to hit every month. Well, I am not the worst but I am not above average either. So, I feel empty everytime I meet my client and try to sell them things that I dont think they should spend this whole sum of money on. You see, that's the problem. I am doing things that go opposite to my heart. I thought to last at least one and a half years but the company itself went into bad transformation and lead me to shorten my stay. I have been thinking of joining the airline as cabin crew since university time. That's not my childhood thing and it's not like fancy dream for me. It's a realistic one. It's just because I want to travel and earn money at the same time and I do not know which job could give me luxury accommodation, meal allowances and good salary except for SIA cabin crew. So I have been thinking about it since then and couldnt decide to join because I am worried that after the flying career, it would be difficult for me to get the marketing job that I've always wanted. So, without getting any advice, I just make decisions along the way. I decided to work on ground for at least 1 or 2 years first.

Before I quit Nom Nom, I get a job offer from my client. Dentsu Media Agency. I felt that this is some sort of sign that the God gave me asking me to stay. By that time, I have already went for the interview and pass through all stages except for skin review which they want me to go back again in another couple of months. So, I decided to join Dentsu and see how it goes. I was lucky enough to get Air Asia account. I know, airlines. I thought to give it a try. I stayed for 3 months and I did not much on it. Everyday I went to work from 9am to 5pm. I learnt some traditional media buy and TVC data analysis but mostly nothing. Everyone is busy, not really super damn busy but they always not around and my leader kept asking me to wait. Well, my probation is 6 months and for half of my probation time I did nothing but mostly scrolling through facebook and chat with my friends on whatsapp. That's how free I am. And i get good money for doing nothing, lots of free lunch. goodies and food for the past three months. And yep, I couldnt stand the bored of it because i want to know i am productive not just some vase sitting there doing nothing. I am not like that. So, yep I finally decided to quit and join SIA. What can be the worst right.


Then I went off without telling anyone except my close friends and family that I gonna start a brand new chapter of my life. I left most of the people having question marks. but i know they will slowly discover what I am doing. Social media. Cant hide.

The training was tough. I mean people. The course itself is useful and not that difficult as it may seen. But it is the people with seniority culture there that made everything so difficult some time i felt like I am in kindergarten. But I did learn a lot and the more I learnt about the company the more I hated it. I know I know. How many of you love your own company anyway. It's always like that. LOL

Then after the torturing 4 months that I have gone through, it's finally time to get real things on. FLY. Well, I wanna mention it here that I have got second runner up for best groomed trainee so that I wont forget next time when I look back my days in SIA. It's ridiculous because I am the one who always cant get my hair and make up right but LOL I got the damn best groomed award? When they call upon me, I looked at my batchmates with puzzled look and whispered: What the hell?

Ya seriously what the hell. But thanks. LOL thanks for making me feel a little bit happier during my graduation as our batch got this nonsense drama going on on the last day of training. LOL i dont know what's wrong with all of us but probably its because we are all girl batch. I know I know, all girls, pysss. Always, girl girl girl since young. I just cant attract any boys I mean more boys to come into my surrounding i dont know why. Seriously.

Alright, done with all the bull shit. Well, now I am three months flying. Excited? probably not. More of loneliness which I dont tell people. It's not an easy job but it will get easier once you get your mind right. I am still trying. Trying to change my mindset and perspective towards flying and especially crew. I am just slow, I cant get close with people after few hours of working together. Seriously no. So yep, that's the tough part for me. People.

But nevertheless, it's still pretty enjoyable when you get to mark on each country that you have gone to. I know I wont regret this ten years later.

Okay this is really long and I gonna continue it maybe when I am back from Sydney.

Sign out XO.

Back to here. Sketch of thoughts.


There's handful of things happening these few months. Changes. Struggles.

The reality bites.

I am not saint. I am just human.

It's been years since I really do what I want to do. I am a coward most of the time, wishing to please everyone and to make people love me.

I learnt a hard way. To come to realise that that's not possible. To please the whole world.
I choose according to what people likes and wants.

And, now, I chose what I want.
I understand those people who try to comment are those who love and care about me. They dont want me to experience the pain, the suffers.

But hey, life is not just a colorful candy. It's not only sweetness that suppose to exist the whole time. But also the bitterness which make it balance and beautiful.

I always believe in God. God put me through this for a reason. There must be something that I need to learn and feel. That's what I believe in.

I met people. Different people in my life. I dont live for only one person. The fact is I have few of the precious ones who I treasure a lot.

I am sorry if I ever upset you for living my life. I am sorry I cant make you accept for who I am.

But no, I am not leaving your life. You can leave as you want. But just dont tell me to do so.

Yes, I thought of leaving to evade from pleasing everyone, meeting their expectations. I just want to do whatever makes me happy. And if that's a sin, then it will be.



A messy thought.

后来

后来的后来才渐渐明白，

每一个人，每一颗灵魂，都有着自己美丽特别之处。

我看着闪耀的灵魂，发光的人类，却也深深欣慰后来的自己不再羡慕，却转为欣赏。

因为我接受自己的不足，珍惜所拥有的一切并感恩上天赐的礼物。

虽然还有些事不是很明白，虽然未知数又是如此的可怕，但，我在寻找，还在寻找，那一些属于我的答案。

We started a new chapter.

A chapter I never ever expected of. I am tired. I am always tired.

The plan of running away doesn't fade. It just get stronger each day. 

I do not know what to do. Like what the fortune teller said. I am confuse I am lost I am everywhere. 

Please, help me. I crying for help but no one heard. I can't express. 

To all the people I love, I am away for awhile. I am trying to heal and be better. 

I promise I am different when we ever meet again 

The lady sat besides the window.

Humming some unknown melody.

Something holding her back. She look down to her phone, the familiar chat room she used to type anything she wants without a second thought. Now, she stops. Staring at it. 

Should I or shouldn't I.

It felt so natural. So natural that she didn't even realized it's already happened. 

Just want a normal life but she was given something special. Each and everytime.

She said she heal. Her wounds they heal fast. 

For this time, she quietly decided to let go.

It might hurts. Hurts more to see the other one to fall into pieces. But it's not gonna work. It must be last for a short time. Yes, she's scare of the idea of loving falling for someone so deeply that she wants to be with the person 24/7.

Time to leave. It's stupid. She knows. So well. She just repeating the same old shit.

Giving up. Running away. 

People said they'll find her key,

Her password, her lock. Cause she lost it somewhere she couldn't remember where.

But that's not the truth. That's just beautiful words that have her hope once. She locked herself so deeply that she struggles to open but no one sees how hard she be tried.

Soon they will all fade away. And nothing's left. She hopes that there will be someone. Someone who don't yell at her when she couldn't tell her feelings someone who don't control her and give freedom to do whatever she loves someone who pamper her so much that she finally can be girl. A princess. Not a man not a king anymore. She's a her after all.