如果你会心疼我。

如果我不需要微笑微笑证明世界很多爱。

如果我快乐不是为了随波逐流。

如果我累了就能找到依靠的肩膀。

如果我可以安静地望着天空。

如果。可惜没有如果。

It feels good when there's someone pay attention only to you. It's like their world surrounds you. And every single things of your means the whole world to them.

It feels great. But, that's a sweet trap right there. Just one that I wouldn't want to get into.

I told myself, I will resist. As much as it's So tempting to have the love of someone. You know you can't do that. To hurt and leave. 

So, I rather be hurt. Be hated. Be less adorable. Than shining through giving hope that I can never realize.

You see, love is not that simple. It's never simple. I have been running away from it and when I did, I started chasing it again.

I love the idea of loving someone and pampering someone making her/him your only one. That's really nice feeling to have 

But I am more afraid of the feelings dropping from the sky when the person finally tired of everything and started to pay lesser attention. 

So I choose not to even start everything to avoid the fall. I am not an adventure.

Not risking the heart broken moments that gonna haunt for sometimes. 

I am afraid. I rather be alone. That pessimistic.

That contradicting. 

It's okay. I first started alone and I shall be leaving alone too. 

As much as I want a company, I still reject it so hard that I somehow wish there will be someone pushing in an opposite direction breaking all the walls and shields I have all these times. 

That contradicting.  

Same old shit

I remembered there was once when I was 16/17, I went to see my teacher, one of the fierce one in school, to hand in something. I don't remember what's went wrong, but she yelled at me,scolded me in front of the whole class of student whom I don't know who. It feels sucks. Feels like I am being judged by the whole world and I did something so wrong that I should be in jail. Metaphor. 

I remember I went back to my own class after the yelling and scolding from her. I never tell a word to anyone. I smile and I talked to everyone. More hyper and crazier. 

It's suppressing emotions. One of the way. Which I still do it now. 

I am underperform. Which in another point of view, categorized in the failure part. I wasn't too happy. It's shitty for me. And I did the same old thing. Smile. Play around. Crazier than normal, usual times.

I hope someone walk straight to me and tell me to not do this anymore. I hope someone saw all the upset disaapointment fears insecure lost behind.

But that's just fantasy. One second fantasy.

I don't have to try

As much as you wish to control each and every move I made, as much as I want to leave.

It doesn't work this way. I got my own choices to make. I feel being doubted and everything I done is wrong just because I don't go the way you want me to. Dude. For all these years, I have been doing what you want me to. But when I rebel, when I stop, you should appreciate that I make a halt, and I didn't ruin the entire thing. I just stop and turn away.

Time change a person. I have changed. In a good way I believe. 

People I met in life taught me things. I am not a puppet. 

You know how sacarstic it is when there's someone who tried so hard to make sure each and everyday of mine is fine. I don't think this will last long, I don't think people hold onto things forever but for this moment I am grateful. Not to compare but at lease I was seen.

I will still remember all the last time.

I pay back what I've owed you. And I told myself not to owe anyone anymore. Cause people take that for granted used that as reason to make people bend themselves.

I am done with that.