We started a new chapter.

A chapter I never ever expected of. I am tired. I am always tired.

The plan of running away doesn't fade. It just get stronger each day. 

I do not know what to do. Like what the fortune teller said. I am confuse I am lost I am everywhere. 

Please, help me. I crying for help but no one heard. I can't express. 

To all the people I love, I am away for awhile. I am trying to heal and be better. 

I promise I am different when we ever meet again 

The lady sat besides the window.

Humming some unknown melody.

Something holding her back. She look down to her phone, the familiar chat room she used to type anything she wants without a second thought. Now, she stops. Staring at it. 

Should I or shouldn't I.

It felt so natural. So natural that she didn't even realized it's already happened. 

Just want a normal life but she was given something special. Each and everytime.

She said she heal. Her wounds they heal fast. 

For this time, she quietly decided to let go.

It might hurts. Hurts more to see the other one to fall into pieces. But it's not gonna work. It must be last for a short time. Yes, she's scare of the idea of loving falling for someone so deeply that she wants to be with the person 24/7.

Time to leave. It's stupid. She knows. So well. She just repeating the same old shit.

Giving up. Running away. 

People said they'll find her key,

Her password, her lock. Cause she lost it somewhere she couldn't remember where.

But that's not the truth. That's just beautiful words that have her hope once. She locked herself so deeply that she struggles to open but no one sees how hard she be tried.

Soon they will all fade away. And nothing's left. She hopes that there will be someone. Someone who don't yell at her when she couldn't tell her feelings someone who don't control her and give freedom to do whatever she loves someone who pamper her so much that she finally can be girl. A princess. Not a man not a king anymore. She's a her after all. 

凌晨三点钟。

发生太多太多从来无法想象的事。

我告诉自己，25岁了，就要承担自己选择的。

这一刻，我对上天祈祷。祈祷让我能够决定走下去的路。

感恩在我以后，你遇见了更好的人。

是的，终于放下。

我真心的要你能幸福。

如果你会心疼我。

如果我不需要微笑微笑证明世界很多爱。

如果我快乐不是为了随波逐流。

如果我累了就能找到依靠的肩膀。

如果我可以安静地望着天空。

如果。可惜没有如果。

It feels good when there's someone pay attention only to you. It's like their world surrounds you. And every single things of your means the whole world to them.

It feels great. But, that's a sweet trap right there. Just one that I wouldn't want to get into.

I told myself, I will resist. As much as it's So tempting to have the love of someone. You know you can't do that. To hurt and leave. 

So, I rather be hurt. Be hated. Be less adorable. Than shining through giving hope that I can never realize.

You see, love is not that simple. It's never simple. I have been running away from it and when I did, I started chasing it again.

I love the idea of loving someone and pampering someone making her/him your only one. That's really nice feeling to have 

But I am more afraid of the feelings dropping from the sky when the person finally tired of everything and started to pay lesser attention. 

So I choose not to even start everything to avoid the fall. I am not an adventure.

Not risking the heart broken moments that gonna haunt for sometimes. 

I am afraid. I rather be alone. That pessimistic.

That contradicting. 

It's okay. I first started alone and I shall be leaving alone too. 

As much as I want a company, I still reject it so hard that I somehow wish there will be someone pushing in an opposite direction breaking all the walls and shields I have all these times. 

That contradicting.  

Same old shit

I remembered there was once when I was 16/17, I went to see my teacher, one of the fierce one in school, to hand in something. I don't remember what's went wrong, but she yelled at me,scolded me in front of the whole class of student whom I don't know who. It feels sucks. Feels like I am being judged by the whole world and I did something so wrong that I should be in jail. Metaphor. 

I remember I went back to my own class after the yelling and scolding from her. I never tell a word to anyone. I smile and I talked to everyone. More hyper and crazier. 

It's suppressing emotions. One of the way. Which I still do it now. 

I am underperform. Which in another point of view, categorized in the failure part. I wasn't too happy. It's shitty for me. And I did the same old thing. Smile. Play around. Crazier than normal, usual times.

I hope someone walk straight to me and tell me to not do this anymore. I hope someone saw all the upset disaapointment fears insecure lost behind.

But that's just fantasy. One second fantasy.

I don't have to try

As much as you wish to control each and every move I made, as much as I want to leave.

It doesn't work this way. I got my own choices to make. I feel being doubted and everything I done is wrong just because I don't go the way you want me to. Dude. For all these years, I have been doing what you want me to. But when I rebel, when I stop, you should appreciate that I make a halt, and I didn't ruin the entire thing. I just stop and turn away.

Time change a person. I have changed. In a good way I believe. 

People I met in life taught me things. I am not a puppet. 

You know how sacarstic it is when there's someone who tried so hard to make sure each and everyday of mine is fine. I don't think this will last long, I don't think people hold onto things forever but for this moment I am grateful. Not to compare but at lease I was seen.

I will still remember all the last time.

I pay back what I've owed you. And I told myself not to owe anyone anymore. Cause people take that for granted used that as reason to make people bend themselves.

I am done with that. 

逝。

长大了，才发现感情能有多脆弱。

再动人，再感动，竟也抵不过金钱、权利、利益。

假装能装多久？懵懂能装多久？

终于愿意接受回不到原来单纯的事实。

终于愿意从自我催眠的梦里醒来。

是的，我忍的不是你。是我对你的怒。对你累积了那么那么久的怒。

这些负能量是因为我修练不够深。

但亲爱的，你教我的，我学会了。

谢谢。也希望你学会我想要你懂得的。

世界不该只是如此。至少我的世界不是。

再怎么美丽、豪华，不过如此。

亲，抬头望望天空，真的吗？

金钱、权利、利益？

我们呢？那一部分的我们逝去了，而你还没发现。

这刺痛，我会记得。

再见面的以后，我们会在分岔路。

但，很真诚的祝福，是我送你的。

New.

I changed something. Same like part of me has changed when time goes by.

People told me that they accept who I am. But they don't really do. They hope others accept who they are. That's about it. But when it's you, it's just words.

It sounds dissapointing. But I guess I slowly accept the way it is. Who am I to expect right ? 

I am not sad over this. Just kind of smirk at myself. Why do I always have faith in something so easily. 

But anyway, everything else is cool.

I hope when I leave, you will remember the impact I made in your life. At least something.

Good things :)

I am leaving for good. Forgive me if the future me choose not to say goodbye. Because I will be back. And when I am back, please welcome the different me :)

不管了，就豁出去。

反正，有可能是最后了。那就把所有当最后来对待。

完了，就完了。

🙄

The feeling of head exploding.

Okay I feel kind of funny.

I woke up and I don't feel like going to work. I took MC saying that I have diarrhea and fever. 

LOL, and it all came true.

Wow, *slow claps* bravo. 

If I say I gonna be a billionaire, will it came true? 

LOL!

Damn funny.

And those clients *slow claps*, told me,

Huh you MC a? But can you send me this by tonight. 

Er. Sure why not. Fever won't die and I should be working 24/7 right. That's how it should be.*roll eyes*

Fine, you better close the deal. If not I gonna...!!!! Nothing. I can't do a thing. *sad face*

Alright, time to squeeze myself. Push myself.

Pressure myself. 

Thanks! You guys awesome! *roll eyes one more time*

Lock

Like usual, like last time. 

It's been blocked. All blocked. 

The brain refused to release the emotion it supposed to. I thought I can manage it this time.

I thought. But, still, it starts to defend. So hard that no words can get through it.

I was trying to remember all the moments that I should but I couldn't. It's all blocked. 

I was supposed to release all the emotions that night and I know I will. But nothing happened. As usual, I blocked it. There's a voice saying, no. 

It's like being locked in a room, you look through the bug transparent glass and you can't do a thing.

It's locked. What should I do to unlock it? Maybe deep down, I know there's a bad consequences that I may not able to handle if I truly unlock it. Damn. Seriously?

Everytime.  

Fruitful

Talked to a friend.

Well, we have kind of special friendship.

She is the one who called me for all these years. Every single time. From primary until. We from 2 different worlds I would say. 

But I am glad she never ever thinks that taking the initiative to talk me is tiring or unfair. In fact we did this everyday last time and now once in a while. 

I got a lot of besties. Yes thank to God, I am lucky. And each and everyone them connect to me in an unique way :) 

Thank you, for talking to me. Making me your listener. 

I learnt and grow. You grow too, throughout these years. You are mature now. From the one who told me about idol for 2-3 hours till now you told me about life. It's amazing. I love seeing all these changes :)

You words changed my mind. Thanks for being honest and wanting the best for me. 

Thanks for telling me in every way you can that you will support me no matter how. Some words hit. I have always been giving too much options myself. Should rethink how's the journey should be. 

The world is so big and beautiful. Humans are beautiful. Communication and understanding are the elements that we lacked of. 

One said to me that don't think you aren't important. Cause even a small action you did can impact someone. You just never know. 

It is true. Kindness is not how big or how you give. It's all the small matters you do. The kindness to others :) 

So yep, another angle to see things. I will be awesome tmr.

It's all about choices.

You can always choose to be who you want to be. 

You said you want both. 

But babe. It doesn't work that way. You know right.

That's not gonna work and it will eat you up in the end.

. Once again. You chose it that way so you gonna pick that up yourself. 

And yep, I choose the way which I think is right too. From the little tiny actions. You just kind of know what's going on. Again, choose to be fool because it hasn't gone too far that I couldn't control. So don't take it for granted. 

Let the Orinoco flow

She talked. Then she stopped.

And then She started making it a habit to stop herself whenever she feels like expressing all those feelings.

When it sounds like craps and people don't take it seriously,

She feels empty. 

Then she walked away. She stop talking. 

That makes her good at realizing and understanding people's pain. 

She'll be there for them. But occasionally, she needs break too. She needs to empty herself again before she fills herself up with mixtures of emotions from outside.

She has a unicorn. But she never rides it. She keep it on a boat. She gonna sail one day from Peru to Cebu, hear the power of Babylon. 

She stares she waited. And story continues next time.

Once in a month.

That's when I try to mess everything.

6.28pm. 

我们有着太多的抱怨，太少的感恩。

亲，

我会突然凝望天空，多想就这样、这一刻，飞翔。

多少人活着，却每一天咒骂。

困在原地，是必然还是选择。

我们竟渐渐遗忘。

既然清楚自己想要些什么，就好好的实践。

亲，

害怕并无法熄灭任何想要奔跑飞翔的梦想。既然想了快一年，就这么踏上那条路。

会很苦很苦。会很酸很酸。会很伤很伤。但，准备好了，就不要害怕。

人生是自己的，不必向任何人解释。但，记得要撑住。

一定要。

L。

人们总是希望别人的迎合，希望如自己预期的反应，性格。一旦有反差就心生厌恶。

不是天使，更无法迁就每一个人而失去了自己。也在挣扎中成长，如无法体会、了解一个人的故事，是不是就能随便评论。如无法珍惜安静的用心，是不是就能理所当然？

段翼了，筑墙了，扎刺了，是不是因为害怕而变得冷漠就是一个错。是谁定下冷漠就一定是负面、伤感？

大笑才能拥有阳光？

如此的如此又为何要解释？

亲爱的，不久以后，你会否偶尔想起那曾经为笑容绽放的努力？你会否怀念那曾经不管天高地厚的憨直？

因为时间岁月经历而改变的一切是否就无法被理解？那就用第三种方式解决。

地球依然自转，太阳照样升起，你还是呼吸着，就别害怕少了些什么。

Chatted for hour.

It's been a long time since I shared my stories. 

It's been a long time since there's someone actually trying to understand why and how.

Thanks. 

But I am sorry. The wall.

I am not strong, I know where am is standing and I will be stronger. 

Just time matters.

And

What about me? 

I will still be your passenger in life.

I am sorry, I have planned it that way. 

The walls, they are there. I couldn't break it myself. Neither do you.

You have been awesome, lovely, adorable but I am still standing in the shadow watching the party goes on and on.

Watching this bunch of people dancing over and over.

I am sorry I did not step in I did not join when you reach out to me. I am glad you tried. 

But, that's it. I guess I am just scared of another heart breaking moment that might happened next second.

I guess I am fine with being hard, being mysterious, being weird, being quiet or whatever relevant adjective you can think of.

For now.

I am waiting and I am counting down.

柠檬草的味道

给昨天的我一个拥抱，曾经她不知如何是好。

若我们再见我终于会微笑，谢谢你，谢谢你，我尝过爱的好。

用了一年半。终于。

还不是哈啦的料。

没有要聊得深，或有意义就完全不感兴趣。

好吧，我真的很努力微笑应酬。

我会再试着，若真的无法那么自然的谈笑风生，我想那就是原本的我。

哈，好吧，我是个闷骚。

*对朋友的珍重，太重，会受伤。

亲爱的，我若累了，若冷了，若安静了，希望你能发现，哪怕只有一秒。或许只是我的妄想曲。

已经很棒了。

微笑，正常。

武装的很好。功夫再高些，就能手舞足蹈、毫无破绽。

已经，尽力了。

还需要做的，就是等待和强行忘记。

最远的距离应该是，就算坐在一起用餐也感觉像是一个人在吃。

默默揣摩着，到底爱上陌生人是什么样的一个心态？

捣蛋鬼问：三天。只有三天，就能爱得那么深？

也许以前的自己会冷笑说：韩剧吗？

现在，竟脱口坚定地说：会。

他愣了一秒，说：哦，这样啊。

我默默地沉思了一下。是的，会。至少，我相信。

三天。三天，你懂了什么？

陌生人。陌生人，你了解什么？

选择第三种方式是如何？

我以为是离开。原来是守护。

是如何如此不求回报，如此安静的守护。

人类，不都一个样？只要自认为伟大，付出，就一定要让对方知道。却从没想过，对方要的，真是如此？没想过，你的好，你的伟大，根本是种负担、压力，因为这样的付出，就会让对方愧欠。对方如果拒绝，还要让你大骂不知好歹，不懂珍惜。这样，这的幸福了吗？

第三种方式是安静的，是沉默的。没有什么，只在远方观望。

第三种方式，不存在。

也是为什么，离开成为了动力，目标。

也许是矛盾。

也或许是任性，是倔强。

草地是蓝色，天空是绿色，花朵是黑色。

你附和着，我却又不满意。

可能，刺猬当久了，就忘了什么该防什么不该。。。

偷偷望出门缝，期待着些什么。

第一道阳光洒下当儿，却用尽力气把门关上。

Escape! Run! 

Nah, it's a surviving plan. 

Duh, time the biggest factor.

I am waiting I am waiting ! 

Few more months to go, few more months! 

承诺到永远，说得多伟大。

时间它把残忍的画面一一呈现。

滴嗒、滴嗒、滴嗒。

在倒数中度过。一一斩除，唯一好奇你会不会哭丧脸庞，问为什么？而你不知道的事又如此的多。

眼泪它在心中淌得像血。微笑它穿上戏衣。

滴嗒、滴嗒、滴嗒。

在等，在待。

走了。为了忘，为了逃。

微笑都假了，灵魂像飘浮着。

So who's gonna take care of my emotions.

Deep inside everyone, there's a Harley Quinn. 

A crazy abnormal pyscho bitch.

And one by one, you came and tell me, I will always be here, I am by side.

Deep down, I hope you understand that you should stop bull shitting. No you aren't gonna be here, coz you don't even know when's I am sad mad or happy. 

I think I am gonna call you up? No. I ain't no talking demanding machine who calls up whenever I want. 

So please, stop telling me those stupid stuffs because I am not 14 anymore.

I am simple because I chose that way, that's still doesn't stop me to be complicated. I just have no time for games. 

So go back to your life, stop telling me fairy tales and stop telling me you will always stand by my side. Because, you know nth of my shit and you know exactly nth of me. Because there a high wall blocking us, not us, is me and the humans out there. 

So don't make me unleash Harley 

Okay. Great. Again. 

Encountered the same situation as last time. I guess I haven't get through yet.

God said I messed up last time so I need to make it right this time. No evading allowed.

Oh, great. I should have my poker face or resting bitch face back. Don't be that friendly. 

Zz.

如果，寂寞在人群中里发酵。

如果，失落无法释怀。

如果。

谈了很多。好吧，算是有收获的。

玫瑰有刺，那是一保护层。

原则还在呢。韩剧上演不可能的情节，那是为了满足人们现实里的痛苦。

太多爱情的不认真，太多为自己对爱情不负责的借口。就算是西式想法，就算没什么大不了，就算成年人了就应该不单纯。就算这些就算，还是无法改变存在的诺言。

宁缺毋滥。再怎么寂寞孤独，一旦走进了随便爱的世界，请为后果负责。如果暧昧不算什么，如果爱情可为游戏，如果互得利益温暖，那，好吧，原谅我的老土、保守与天真的原则。

成年？

吵杂的谈笑声穿梭一杯又一杯的啤酒。

周围都是人，而的确这场晚餐的存在也只为了让人类更接近彼此。

是的，我的视线竟停留在墙上的装饰、思绪飘到熟悉的回忆与文字。

他们的声音把我拉回现实。说着怎么认识更多的人类。

思绪依然停留在安静的画面。

拿着酒杯，笑着说着。若要演这角色，只限一晚。

我问亲爱的自己，属于的地方到底在哪里。

成年人。若我不是，就要拔扯着自己长大。

单纯何时在成年的世界里成了一种罪。

真心何时在长大的过程中成了负累。

若无法演下去，中途离场是不是就与失败画上了等号。

亲爱的你，盼望的救赎是不是太过分？

如果我到了很远很远的地方，如果我们失去联络，如果再也看不见我的身影，你会记得我是个怎么样的人吗？

会不会把我给找回来？

会不会挂念我？

谈。

谈话里，每个人都渴望被认同，被接受。

这是为什么一个简单的谈话有时能演变成激烈的争论。

每每在争得面红耳赤后，回想整个过程都会觉得不可思议。是为了什么？一时的输赢？是有那么的重要吗？

那个夜晚与某人，称之为某人是因为还未变友人；聊天。到一半时，我有点放弃与生气了。因我未讲完的每一句话都被他一句“错”给打断。 

沉默不语。突然，发现，何必气呢？每个人都拥有自己独特的观点与个性。无法达到共识是正常的。何必一定要让对方觉得自己很对，是为了满足那赢的感觉吗。

虽然我还是不是很喜欢他这个人，哈哈，但却觉得自己很小心眼。而且气度不大。还是有好多地方要改进啊。

一种米养百种人。做自己是潇洒是酷毙没错。但在这之余，还是要体谅或站在别人的角度想。若还是未达到一个平衡点或者太过失去自己，那除了不需强逼自己接受他人之外，还能做的就是远离。不需每个人的喜欢；也不需喜欢每个人。

了解不同的人有不同的立场与接受所有的立场而难为自己是两件不一样的事。后者，不必要。我们都有自己要飞翔的天空。世界那么大，别局限于别人的世界呀。

7.00... 7.15...7.30...7.45...

生理闹钟是调好了7点没错。但，脑子却赖着不起。

在梦里或者现实反反复复地问同一个问题。

也许踏入花花世界太久真的会忘了想要寻找的是什么。

亲爱的，空间呢？

又是一个没有名称的季节。也许适合雾气浓浓、人烟甚少的山水寺庙。

亲爱的，花落谁家了？

在网路上看见一句话：

男人有爱情，但女人没有。因为女人，只要待她们好的，她们就会跟他走。

想了想，好像是。

可能随着时间流逝，爱不爱情已不重要。

重要的是，有没有这么一个人，把你疼的入心入肺。

女人，不过需要人疼。

就那么简单。

This is what happened today. I explained 100000 times. I basically don't angry because the client doesn't understand. I don't mind to explain in 100000 different ways just to make them understand. I am frustrated because they won't let me talk. Grrrr... They keep on explaining in their own understanding but wouldn't let me do the TALKING.  I was like, sit back and watch two of the leaders talking to themselves. Government argh government. Would you mind to improve a little bit at least??? 

If you want to try new things, let the people who know how to do that explain to you. 

So at last, I told them, if you don't believe in us then there's no point. 

Seriously, why am I putting shit to myself. The only reason is I want to help. That's all. What you pay goes to my company but not me. I spent my time on you, is because I want to help. I don't want to work just because I have to. I wanna create meaning inside. I wanna make things success.

And I am trying hard to furnish myself too. This is a tough one because people can go unethical without letting the people who aren expert in this knowing this. I don't want to be there. I don't want to earn your money and do nothing for you. 

Anyway, I am glad these happened. I am glad I was being put at tough situation. And I am glad I always, ALWAYS being throw into the sea and all I need to do is help myself to survive. LOL

My teammate complaint about it. I was like, ya Wei why am I so dumb never think of fighting for my rights. LOL! 

But never mind. I guess different people grow in different ways. 

I will hold it on there coz I got bigger dream to achieve :) 

The midnight

I am talking to you in the way that I wish someone would talk to me. 

You see, that's our distance. 

Coz you never listen. 

But it's okay even if you don't.

Coz I don't need anyway.

:) they told me to become strong is to become the one who would not mind the things that other people would have mind.

As simple as that.

I guess we all need attentions, cares and nags (maybe not) 

Life is fair coz life is unfair to everyone.

You know how pathetic when there's people who told you they wish to be like you?

Don't. Don't ever judge without understanding. You said my world is simple and I haven't encountered the complicated one. Dear friend, we all have choices. And I have chosen simplicity. You chose the other way. 

My life? I have mess that I fix, that I hide or evade. What do you know? nothing.except my pictures on Facebook and Instagram. 

So don't judge. Easily. 

I am trying that too. To be blissful and grateful for everything. As nothing that we should take granted for.

I would not tell you my story for it feels like I am trying to prove myself. I do not need to. If you know me, you will. I got nothing to prove you wrong :) 

我想了很久，思了很长。

完成了学业，是否就要和众人一样，找份不错的工作，赚钱，成家，便是成功。

害怕别人的问候，因为一旦相聚，问的便是彼此的事业，收入等等。

怎么没人问我，你快乐吗？

为什么大家都要一样才是正常。

我想了很久，思了很长。

一直寻找会让家人骄傲的工作，能够赚钱的机会，可以使人羡慕的收入。我问自己，其实生活是场展览吗？何苦为难自己？

我心中还有梦。那梦不曾被认同。也不敢勇敢地与人分享。因为换回来的是取笑、摇头叹息。勇敢？何止简单？

我的确想发梦。我的一生就只剩下工作，赚钱，成家，立业？在与现实搏斗时，时而害怕，时而想要不顾一切，就这么离开，去实现梦想。

我想了很久，思了很长。

Thanks

At the end of the day, all we need is just a little bit of courage, a little bit trust and a little love. 

Thanks. I was and am still such a "shy" and weird person who's so afraid of getting closer to people. 

Thanks. Because I am not at the "best me" stage. I am struggling for some reason.

Thanks. Whenever I feel alone, there will be people popping up.

Thanks. Even I am so cold and being difficult, there's still angels smiling at me.

Thanks. In my heart.

(: 

Lost

I lost the key.

It might be holding by someone, or it might have lost in the woods.

I lost the key. 

I am searching for it. Even though you can't see how hard am I trying. 

I lost the key. 

Pathways

The moments when you realized you have focused on the different things last time

I miss the good old days. 

It feels great that I have chosen some pathways that I don't even know why would I go for.

And as time passed, I finally understand. I was to meet with some people, to learn something :) 

It feels good though to have all those memories and still counting on for more :)

It's been a roller coaster like kind of Friday. 

Everything comes in at one time, and that's the moment when you feel like, nah, God is probably running a spontaneous test on me now.

So in one day itself I have several different friends who have problems and come to me at the same time plus I have several ad hoc works to be solved too. 

I thought work is always the first for me. But when things happened, I am surprised that I chose friendship. Yes, these people are important to me, more important than works and I have to solve everything on the spot as it would be too late if I choose to solve it later. 

I am glad I made that decision. 

But, I felt regret that I can't satisfy everyone at one time. I have missed out one or two. The one that I missed out quite a number of times. I guess I just have to make more time for this one.

东西坏了，要修，不要丢。

我这么对友人说。因为我一直都是丢的人。因为丢了就再也捡不回了。

每一个阶段都有不一样的处理方式。

常常听完后对友人说，我明白。很多时候不是为了要附合，而是真的明白。

也许天生矛盾就是为了了解每一个立场和感受。这样，才能正正确确的听见心声。

我不完美，我也有不可理喻的时候，也有令人抓狂的时候。

但，谁又完美了？

不是因为这样，才感觉一切的酸甜苦辣？

What happened when you tried and it doesn't work? 

You try again. That's it.

Only applicable to works though, non living stuff. 😂

树枝树叶重叠。

拨开一层又一层。

脚踩玻璃碎，眼看蓝天空。

一步又一步踏实地走下去。

曾苦寻那传说中的蝴蝶绷带。

曾等待那说好的彩虹。

才发现，流着血看见的蓝天碧海最真实。

五月适合忧伤。

也许更适合清醒。

庆幸清醒。

也许不等待就是等待。

如果在世界的某个角落遇见我，请对我说声嗨。

五月，倒数不说再见的日子。

不要记得我，但要记得我留下美好的事物。 记得很美丽很真诚的。。微笑😊

First of May

It's first of May! 

It's not usual for me to write for the first day of every month. But, it's Labor Day. 

Meaning? I am free.

Not entirely free though. Still lots of unfinished job awaiting me and I m gonna work today but nah, it's still a holiday.

Woke up with meaningful video of a 12 years old kid. Yup, it made my day.

You won't get over fears that you have if you don't try at the very first place. 

So here I am. I am afraid of judgements. I am afraid how the other humans on this planet judge me. It might be easy for every other people to ignore all the judgements but not me. 

Yes, I always want to prove that I am capable for something, I always want to be the ideal person that every other people expect in their opinions. 

But, I'm gonna change these. I am not sure how far can I go. In fact I am uncertain of so many things. But there's only one thing I have proven right for all the time, if you don't stand up for yourself, if you don't have faith in yourself, nobody's gonna believe in you. 

Fell down and more falls each and every day. It's hard to get up, it's normal wishing there's someone to pull you up,it's okay to stay down for awhile.but don't keep that status forever. You just gonna fight back. You just gonna trust that you are possible. 

It's first of May. Just start all over again :)

And I am gonna be somewhere I should be! 

Yes. Negativities pull me down. And no, nobody cares how you drown. 

So I won't let that happened.

It's just part of life or part of path that need to be gone through. 

So I can understand how it feels. To create empathy in me. 

I saw sorrows. I see weaknesses. I know how they feel and I know why they are so.

Whenever people told me that someone's weird, someone so depress that they don't understand why he or she is acting so. I remain silence. 

You don't understand. I whisper quietly.

There's always reason why people are acting so. Always.

You don't understand. Because you have everything. Because you didn't listen.

That's why I exist. I wish to be the ears. Or at least the one who can heal.

To approach those who thinks that they aren't good enough. No, I don't give compliments just to please them and make them feel good. These people , they know better than you. They know you don't know a thing about them, your praises are out of sympathy. No they don't need all these. That's why I am here. To understand and see the good of them. There's something in them. But everyone is too busy to love themselves that they have no time to nurture the others. They termed is as self care but not self fish. Agree in some sense.

But we all need a someone.

I need a someone too. Just not here yet.

There are things or decisions that I regretted on.

And I regretted for listening too much on people's "advices".

So if I were to give one or two words to the younger me, I would ask her not to take "advices" seriously, unless from those who are really older, experienced, and wise. You know how to differentiate. 

Don't ever take anyone's emotions that serious. You shouldn't be the one who bear all their negativities and angers. Because at the end of day, when you can't take it anymore, you are the one who fall into pieces and the worse thing is they don't give a damn. 

And dear future one, just do whatever you want and stop having fears. This is your life after all. Those who laugh at your dream, those who look down on you and those who claims they support you no matter what but never did, prove them wrong. Just ignore those voices.

There are people who love you, unconditionally. 

:) and its 2am

在想，讨厌中文的人是不是会讨厌很爱中文的人。

好吧，乱想的。

可能更多的是，对人类的害怕恐惧症。

竟然还真窝囊得没有勇气在公开平台上发表自己的文字，所以写了、删。

凌晨的夜晚是有点安静。是的，从何时开始，对人类的不信任感就愈渐增加。

从何开始，竟然害怕分享、省略倾述。

是的，不属于正常的归类。所以Liv，Leave，顾名思义。何时何刻都在想着 离开。

离开看似负面，却不是那么一回事。

只是表达平静的一种方法。

朋友诉说小时候常在小说找得到的情节、感想（*以前网络不发达）

突然就有点不可思议，原来我们长那么大了。原来到了一个很现实的年龄。

可是也原来，我无法给予中肯或偏见的意见。完全的沉默，也完全的没有任何评语。

原来，离情情爱爱的世界有点远了。也原来，再也无法理直气壮的告诉朋友，爱是全部。即使再没有面包，只要有爱就什么都足已。

不是的。我只说了一句。都是一种选择吧。选择了就别后悔，也请趁还能够选择时选择。别不清不楚，苦了自己也苦了别人。看似很多句，相信我，我只说了第一句。

好了。

Often you feel unfortunate, or mistreated 

Often you feel incomplete or stress

But you never know how blissful you are.

You have everything that others long for

You have everything.

But human never get satisfied. That's fact. 

Standing far looking at those happenings. Drew out more smiley faces to encourage people who need it.

It gets empty anyway. 

It gets ..... Unnoticed that it needs to be refilled.

And surprisingly, it get blamed.

I was just wondering what's going on. 

Why do we all take things for granted.

When would we be awaked and realized that we shouldn't be doing this.

I guess never.

Today, I gave you some energy.

And thanks for lending me your ears.

 

是自己太傻，才会如此相信人。

为什么渐行渐远？

可能成长了，各自的观点不一样。

爱还在，隔着沉默。

试图改变些什么。

#离开流浪去

不钟爱失眠。

心里堆积太多，就必须等待一个人的时候，努力清理干净。

不是这样么？安静的接受，沉默的忍受。

其实没什么难，只是功夫还未到家。

还是好想流浪。

有没有分享后突然的空虚。

高兴像是有个人明白了，却原来是场空。

其实，算了吧很久。又何必再许愿呢？

这么这么爱读懂人类是因为盼望有一天有读懂自己的人吧。也许。

又何必种下希望。

有没有看过点不着的烟花。

或许是那样，少了些什么却又寻不着是什么。

有没有。。。

单手撑着，微笑太多太虚伪，苦笑太多惹人厌。刚好，就好。

然后又返回舞池了。

生

对成功的模样模糊了。

大家说是赚很多很多的钱，握很多很多的权，达很高很高的位。

好像是又好像不。

如果不一样，又要怎么找到分岔路？

30岁的你，会是什么模样？

未来五年，你会在哪？

标准答案是不是达到manager位置，有一定的收入，或拥有自己的生意？

我在想，就这样吗？

Today

Reached home, sit inside the car, off engine, and started blogging.

I feel quiet inside here and it makes me think more. Is it just me who feel so? 

Feels 70% happy actually. I mean I talked to people, mingled around. I kind of like them actually. Although I am really an introvert and getting more introvert as I grow. 

I just, lazy of socializing. 

Been imagine if there's one day I could like give a speech or something, I will surely thanks those who actually came and talk and be friendly to me. Coz I have this resting bitch face and yet they aren't afraid of it and talked to me. 

Thanks for being nice to me first. 

I appreciate that a lot as I grow.

I always believe in balance. 

You lose something and you gain in return. It's the matter of choice. To choose what to lose and what to gain.

Guess I am stepping into a really different world. A world, a culture that I watched as third party but now I am joining in.

I hope I get along with it. 

Anyway, I am grateful for where I am standing now. And when I look back, I feel great too for what I have been through. Always trust that the path I having is the best for me. :) 

No regrets. 

And yep, can be quite slow now. But I will definitely work hard and prove that I am different. 

I am. :) 

:) the end is the new beginning

I am not so sure about future.

This time I keep it low and quiet. You never know what's gonna happen next.

Again, thanks God for listening to me. 

I don't wanna sound holly or religious. But I do feel grateful for my prayers had been heard. 

"When everyone laugh or think that your dream isn't that much of a dream, you are on the right path" 

A chance for you to prove whats in you.

I have a different dream than most of them. And, I will work hard, wish me luck.

世界小小小 

Who

And it's like what you watched in drama. 

Stopping by the roadside, having no idea what to do next, and the people that supposed to appear just gone in the air. 

Then you figured what am I actually doing . What is all this about and I find no answer. I seriously not so sure about what's the point of all these. 

I think. Let's not put in too much hopes, expectations, excitements or happiness. 

Let's just be neutral and keep calm. Yea, just keep it, I guess, that would be better. 

I will try my best anyway. Same like there's bad and good guy in the world, there's volunteers and workers. Work for nothing or work for something. It's just that, who doesn't care about benefits, compensations and advantages? There are, just rare. And I hope I found the rare one. Or I might just be one. 

Learn. A damn long way to go. 

I hope everything's gonna be fine. 

Finger crossed. 

搅拌机？

最亲爱的新年过去了，不得不感叹时间的快逝。


相同的事发生在不同的时间点上，结局是那么的不同。
很多事是真的无法预料。



今天笑看对往日来说劲爆的事。
也或许，有比这些更重要的。


我说呀，我们不都是人类而已嘛。
都有各自想达到的目标和梦想。
要不要用更温柔些的方式。


还有呀，要不要在看结果前先明白为什么。
是头脑简单没有错，是不够聪明没有错，可是，也不能演绎出那么拙劣的戏。
亲爱的，为了什么。


像用了搅拌机一样，我想，我用文字把一切人事物和感觉都搅拌在一起了。
如果明明白白，我不知道文字的用意何在，文字的魅力何存？
所以啊，搅拌机就是搅拌机，是不能带来另一个功效的。

谢谢在我敏感越深时，用小举动打破一切。有你，有你们真好。

谢谢，唤醒我对人类消失了的信任。

谢谢，让我自由的飞翔。原来已经拥有了翅膀。只是自己一直不相信和带着的怀疑让它们沉睡。

谢谢，今晚的夜睡是因为快乐。

If.   

Only if I can care less. 

Care less. 

Thanks

Met one of the close friends.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for seeing through the smiley face.

Thanks for those warm words. They meant a lot. 

Thanks wanting to know how am I doing lately. I didn't know you care about my feelings so much. 

And thanks for allowing me to share with you the thoughts I have. It's been a while for me to feel so relief having people to listen to my kind of theory and feedback. 

I can feel that you are trying to understand me from my point of view instead of your own.

Thanks :) thanks for trying to see things using my binoculars. 

长大

小时候常常幻想长大是什么样的。
我们常常选择性的只往好的角度观看。 忘了美丽原来也需要丑陋的衬托才能显示什么是美丽。

常常告诉自己，我想成为自己会喜欢的大人，想要做个好人。但原来“好”里包含的不仅仅只是好。

原来一件小事，一个小动作，一句话，在不同的角度，不同的感官里会泛起不一样的涟漪。
人们的变化总是会跟随身边的人起变动。

站在一片又一片的花海里，我看见前方的身影渐渐走远。依稀听见：“你怎么还不动呢？”
铃铛响的笑声起起落落。嘿，对了，怎么还留着？花美得醉人，天蓝得动人。亲爱的，怎么不留呢？


抿嘴笑了笑，都是面具啊。以前是多么的讨厌，现在不知不觉也拿起了一面。原来渐渐的变成了保护层。 是什么时候开始，人们喊着，要勇敢做自己，做自己的人最美丽，但大家却戴着面具小心翼翼的观望四周，手里拿着箭，一旦看见任何一个把面具摘下的人类就不断的用箭 伤害他。 原来做自己是要付出代价的。带上了面具是礼貌，是高尚，是专业，也是一种生存的方式。

也原来赤裸裸，坦荡荡，真的是很傻，很天真的行为。
亲爱的，当前方有的不只是花海，还会留下来吗？

原来可以随时把直线画成平行线。

除了叹息也没有别的情绪。

好的，我慢慢变安静。虽然习惯很难改，但只要是我想要的就一定做得到。

For some, I regretted being honest with.

But for most of the time, I am glad that I am being myself, at least for that moment. Neglecting every single judgement.

亲爱的，

唉，别逃了。

寻。

也许不该放弃的是文字。

Dream catcher 华语怎么说啊？

他的影子漂浮着，我承认，是很美。

没有秒针分针。数码表说时间越来越逼近。心情怎么找不到适当的文字形容。

等待着什么。又很绝望些什么。

也许树叶飘动的旋律也如此。

徒手还真抓不着些什么呢。

空气里弥漫的到底是什么啊？如此神奇又如此让人猜不透。

亲爱的你，在未来的平地上过的还好吗？ 

安静很静呢，你觉得呢？ 

The packaging

How big is big and how small is small.

We all do packaging whether it's by using words, visual or sound. We all do.

The fact is human, no matter who you are, as long as you are human, you'd care how people think of you. 

No matter how much we know we shouldn't but deep inside everyone of us, we can't help with it but care. 

So doing things people don't do, being yourself and don't give a shit, getting into uncomfortable situation, I call all these as brave and courage. It's not that we don't care or we don't mind any of the judgements caused.We do it because we care and to prove that everyone out there is wrong about us, we do what we should. 

I know. A small fact. I only realized it today. Human. 

All those rules and regulations, manners, how to drink wine with procedures, table manners, dress attitude, how to eat certain food, they are all created by human. 

Don't feel ashamed if you do not know any. It's okay, they don't know some of yours too. We are all human, aren't we? 

Be kind. Be flexible. 

And follow your heart.

pS: be kind doesn't mean be friendly. 

Hush.

I am scare, fear, frightened. 

But I know it doesn't help. So I guess what I'm gonna do is to let go the fears and embrace the unknowns. What can be worst anyway. 

/I know your secret/ I know who you are/it's a small world since years ago/