凌晨三点钟。

发生太多太多从来无法想象的事。

我告诉自己，25岁了，就要承担自己选择的。

这一刻，我对上天祈祷。祈祷让我能够决定走下去的路。

感恩在我以后，你遇见了更好的人。

是的，终于放下。

我真心的要你能幸福。

如果你会心疼我。

如果我不需要微笑微笑证明世界很多爱。

如果我快乐不是为了随波逐流。

如果我累了就能找到依靠的肩膀。

如果我可以安静地望着天空。

如果。可惜没有如果。

It feels good when there's someone pay attention only to you. It's like their world surrounds you. And every single things of your means the whole world to them.

It feels great. But, that's a sweet trap right there. Just one that I wouldn't want to get into.

I told myself, I will resist. As much as it's So tempting to have the love of someone. You know you can't do that. To hurt and leave. 

So, I rather be hurt. Be hated. Be less adorable. Than shining through giving hope that I can never realize.

You see, love is not that simple. It's never simple. I have been running away from it and when I did, I started chasing it again.

I love the idea of loving someone and pampering someone making her/him your only one. That's really nice feeling to have 

But I am more afraid of the feelings dropping from the sky when the person finally tired of everything and started to pay lesser attention. 

So I choose not to even start everything to avoid the fall. I am not an adventure.

Not risking the heart broken moments that gonna haunt for sometimes. 

I am afraid. I rather be alone. That pessimistic.

That contradicting. 

It's okay. I first started alone and I shall be leaving alone too. 

As much as I want a company, I still reject it so hard that I somehow wish there will be someone pushing in an opposite direction breaking all the walls and shields I have all these times. 

That contradicting.  

Same old shit

I remembered there was once when I was 16/17, I went to see my teacher, one of the fierce one in school, to hand in something. I don't remember what's went wrong, but she yelled at me,scolded me in front of the whole class of student whom I don't know who. It feels sucks. Feels like I am being judged by the whole world and I did something so wrong that I should be in jail. Metaphor. 

I remember I went back to my own class after the yelling and scolding from her. I never tell a word to anyone. I smile and I talked to everyone. More hyper and crazier. 

It's suppressing emotions. One of the way. Which I still do it now. 

I am underperform. Which in another point of view, categorized in the failure part. I wasn't too happy. It's shitty for me. And I did the same old thing. Smile. Play around. Crazier than normal, usual times.

I hope someone walk straight to me and tell me to not do this anymore. I hope someone saw all the upset disaapointment fears insecure lost behind.

But that's just fantasy. One second fantasy.

I don't have to try

As much as you wish to control each and every move I made, as much as I want to leave.

It doesn't work this way. I got my own choices to make. I feel being doubted and everything I done is wrong just because I don't go the way you want me to. Dude. For all these years, I have been doing what you want me to. But when I rebel, when I stop, you should appreciate that I make a halt, and I didn't ruin the entire thing. I just stop and turn away.

Time change a person. I have changed. In a good way I believe. 

People I met in life taught me things. I am not a puppet. 

You know how sacarstic it is when there's someone who tried so hard to make sure each and everyday of mine is fine. I don't think this will last long, I don't think people hold onto things forever but for this moment I am grateful. Not to compare but at lease I was seen.

I will still remember all the last time.

I pay back what I've owed you. And I told myself not to owe anyone anymore. Cause people take that for granted used that as reason to make people bend themselves.

I am done with that. 

逝。

长大了，才发现感情能有多脆弱。

再动人，再感动，竟也抵不过金钱、权利、利益。

假装能装多久？懵懂能装多久？

终于愿意接受回不到原来单纯的事实。

终于愿意从自我催眠的梦里醒来。

是的，我忍的不是你。是我对你的怒。对你累积了那么那么久的怒。

这些负能量是因为我修练不够深。

但亲爱的，你教我的，我学会了。

谢谢。也希望你学会我想要你懂得的。

世界不该只是如此。至少我的世界不是。

再怎么美丽、豪华，不过如此。

亲，抬头望望天空，真的吗？

金钱、权利、利益？

我们呢？那一部分的我们逝去了，而你还没发现。

这刺痛，我会记得。

再见面的以后，我们会在分岔路。

但，很真诚的祝福，是我送你的。

New.

I changed something. Same like part of me has changed when time goes by.

People told me that they accept who I am. But they don't really do. They hope others accept who they are. That's about it. But when it's you, it's just words.

It sounds dissapointing. But I guess I slowly accept the way it is. Who am I to expect right ? 

I am not sad over this. Just kind of smirk at myself. Why do I always have faith in something so easily. 

But anyway, everything else is cool.

I hope when I leave, you will remember the impact I made in your life. At least something.

Good things :)

I am leaving for good. Forgive me if the future me choose not to say goodbye. Because I will be back. And when I am back, please welcome the different me :)